Thursday, June 2, 2011

Ten Things You Learn When Your Appendix Attacks You

  1. Appendicitis pain isn't really that bad, at least for me. I'd always heard it was a double-over, scream in agony pain, but I learned that sort of pain is assigned to childbirth, kidney stones, and paper cuts on the tongue from licking an envelope. 
  2. Appendicitis pain is like gas pain, although the flatulence kind rather than that inflicted at the gas pump.
  3. Physicians use palpitation, blood tests, and cat-scans to confirm the diagnosis. 
  4. You don't need to bring your own cat, but it is always nice to bring a pal.
  5. Apparently the appendix is a mobile organ. The surgeon stabbed four holes in my belly looking for it.
  6. The surgeon told me later the appendix that attacked me didn't dangle from my lower bowel but escaped to a hide out somewhere behind my lower bowel.
  7. General anesthesia may cause short-term memory loss, or delusions. I cannot remember the name of the beautiful nurse who constantly flirted with me.
  8. The amount of inert gas injected into an abdomen to accomplish keyhole surgery is nearly the same amount required to inflate Donald Trump's ego.
  9. Liquid diets include Cream of Wheat but not Crème de menthe, Malt-O-Meal but not Glenfiddich Single Malt Scotch Whisky.
  10. If you're on a liquid diet, haven't eaten since Saturday night, and it is Tuesday evening, it is possible to eat cream-of-chicken soup and remain a vegetarian.
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