Writing, Rejection, and Too Lazy to Submit

I must have ten essays I could market, but I don't. Well, I do, but only intermittently. And it's not because I fear rejection. It may be simply because I'm lazy.

The situation was far different when I first began writing, most significantly because so many publications then didn't take email submissions. Then I was more focused, especially on the arrival of the mail carrier. I enjoyed writing a submission letter. Maybe the yang to my impatient yin enjoyed the anticipation.

But publication are on board now, and Crueleditor DeVille can zap you with a rejection before you've finished the pint of Cherry Garcia you bought to celebrate the upcoming publication credit.

Writing is a tough town. Just ask my friend Karen. An editor emailed Karen a rejection accompanied by one of the editor's own essays. "Why buy your stuff when I can write better?"

Karen was blue. Karen descended into a funk. Karen cast doubts on the editor's ancestry and threatened to cross state lines to inflict bodily harm.

"Blow it off," I emailed in my best supportive voice. "I can think of ten rejections better than that. Or maybe it's worse. Whatever. You know what I mean."

"Can't neither," she e-pouted.

"Can too."

• - "I could write better than this without using vowels."
• - "Was your monitor on when your wrote your essay?"
• - "I'm sorry. This doesn't reach our target reader. Most are can read."
• - "Rehearse this line: 'Do you want fries with that?'"
• - "Your comma count exceeds our quota."
• - "I doubt you have literary skills sufficient to write a check."
• - "I read this to my assistant, and he asked me if I were hallucinating."
• - "Stop your attempts to duplicate the 1000-monkeys-with-typerwriters experiment."
• - "Do you realize this piece has subtracted from the sum total of human knowledge?"
• - "Authorities notified. Your arrest imminent."