Monday, June 8, 2009

Pack-ratting Drivel in Left-Handed Imitation of Ashliegh Brilliant

Even though I don't think I'm interesting enough to Twitter, I did give into the Facebook craze. As a writer, any "social networking" works, I suppose.

Facebook has its Tweets-equivalent, a little box that asks "What's on your mind?" A FB'er fills the blank space with this, that, and the other, and it's distributed to Facebook "friends." The little ditty is then distributed in the network looking something like "Gary Presley washed the dog."

The problem is, at least for me, I never have much on my mind -- at least anything I want to express to friends as something important. I made a few Facebook broadcasts, but then a sense of my own ridiculousness took over, and I began incorporating puns, cliches, malapropisms, and assorted other nonsense.

Today it occurred to me I should have saved them, which I didn't, but I did go back through my "profile's" archives to find these ...

Gary Presley ...
  • ... went on a wild goose chase, and now he's eating crow.
  • ... knows he should take everything with a grain of salt, but he actually prefers balsamic vinegar and olive oil.
  • ... knows when going gets tough, the tough use four-wheel-drive.
  • ... has learned never to judge a book by its cover; better to appoint an attorney and convene a jury; otherwise, the verdict will be overturned on appeal.
  • ... stopped believing in animal testing when his dog failed her driver's license exam.
  • ... says give a man a fish, and you've fed him for a day; teach a man to fish, and he'll want a bass boat, a pick-up truck, and end up with a honking big carbon footprint like the rest of us.
  • ... knows when he gets his Irish up he rarely gets off Scot-free.
  • ... owns several genuine imitation original copies of some seriously funny Microsoft Works that he received as a free gift in a package of jumbo shrimp.
  • ... wonders if Euclid demanded three squares a day.
  • ... believes Isaak Newton realized the gravity of the situation.
  • ... wouldn't beat a dead horse of a different color, but he's always willing to seize the bull by the horns and try to teach an old dog new tricks.
  • ... knows at the end of the day he has to drink the kool-aid because he didn't leverage mission-critical real-world assessment-driven paradigms into his next level decision-making.
  • ... got down off his high horse and let the cat out of the bag; sadly, he overlooked the pig in the poke.
  • ... can't eat humble pie because the cat's got his tongue.
  • ... knows the economy is unstable because he only gets a penny for his thoughts but he has to put his two cents in when he wants to say anything.
  • ... wonders if something is tough to swallow only if you bite off more than you can chew?
  • ... wonders why things that are as easy as pie aren't always a cakewalk.
  • ... stepped up to the plate while the iron was hot and swung for the fences but, alas, he was behind the eight ball.
  • ... had a theory that he might be indecisive until he realized he might instead be fond of ambiguity.
  • ... knows there is an elephant in the room because there was a window of opportunity.
  • ... knows a fool and his money are a blessing in disguise.
  • ... believes it's the cat's meow that every dog has its day even though many folks thinks that's a horse of a different color.
  • ... thinks every dog has his day, but he may be barking up the wrong tree.
  • ... has applied grease to his elbow, has his eye on the ball, put his ear to the ground, and his shoulder to the wheel.
  • ... is a vegetarian because he likes to count his chickens before they hatch.
  • ... cannot decide whether to let the cat out of the bag or sleeping dogs lie.
  • ... cannot decide whether to let the cat out of the bag or sleeping dogs lie.
  • ... wants an omelet for supper but he's afraid he'll get egg on his face.


deanna said...

I enjoy your cliched, punny, -isms, or whatever they are. It occurs to me there could be a book in these...maybe an anthology?

Gary said...

I don't know how I got started on this kick, Deanna. I did it a lot when I was a kid. The reference to Ashleigh Brilliant is made to a real person ...

... who created what he calls "pot shots," and seems to have made a few coins off of it.

Thanks for reading.